After months of rigorous national discussion, Congress is putting forth a bill addressing the lawn care industry, in an attempt to control costs and guarantee quality lawn care for every American (and everyone else who lives here).
The Problem:
- This essential service has grown expensive - both the equipment and labor costs of lawn care have skyrocketed in recent years.
- Most U.S.communities have lawn care standards much higher than anywhere else in the world, but this has also led to higher ongoing costs.
- Some families have complained that richer neighbors have access to better lawn care, resulting in greener pastures on the other side of the fence. Lower-income lawn-owners need equal access to fertilizers, pesticides, and other other treatments.
The Solution:
First, lawn care providers need to
dramatically lower fees, and need to provide full access to unlimited lawn care, regardless of the yard's condition or size. And while they're at it, they need to find a way to serve the millions of people who, as of now, take care of their own backyards or let their fields grow wild.
Second, a "public option" will be introduced for those families that cannot afford private lawn care. The government will pay reduced rates to companies and mandate that they provide the highest quality lawn care possible, even if this makes their businesses unsustainable. In the case of business failure, the government will step in with needed "oversight" and funding. (In response to public outcry about Constitutional details, officials have suggested an alternative to the public option: lawn care cooperatives in each region, where government officials would mandate specific lawn treatments at the local level, rather than nationwide.)
Third, only organic pesticides and fertilizers will be permitted under the new lawn care plan. This is expected to raise costs nearly 40% on consumers, but "it is for their own good." Someone in the government also thought it would cool if all lawn equipment could run on vegetable oil by the year 2014. Consumers should expect a 625% increase in costs when that statute takes effect.
Fourth, some overgrown fields may overload the lawn care system, particularly those mown annually with larger and more expensive lawn equipment. A Federal Lawn Board will be appointed by the President to oversee the equitable distribution of available care. Owners of overgrown fields will be asked to meet with lawn care officials to discuss end of grass options, like parking lots or forests.
Fifth, the government will reduce the number of allowable backyard obstacles, like trees, shrubs, or playground sets, to reduce the overall burden on the lawn care system. Obstacles require special attention, like weedwacking or turning mowers around. A permit process will be intiated for lawn-owners who wish to add obstacles to their lawn, and extra taxes will be levied based upon this and an number of other factors (like hills, stones, bumpy surfaces or protruding roots).
Finally, lawn care will become mandatory, and some in the government are pushing for a "single payer" reform, running all lawn care related transactions through the federal government. After all, it seems immoral that greedy lawn care companies should profit when so many lawns are in disrepair across the nation. This option, seen as extreme by most Americans, will probably be introduced in a second bill, perhaps in a few years.
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Apartment owners, who see no personal need for lawn care, will be required to pay into the new system as well, since they share in the collective benefit of "well-manicured communities." Those who do not sign up for lawn care will face tax penalties.
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