eRevolution.us: Victimnomics

Victimnomics is the study of how victimized "less successful" people can benefit from their victimhood, and how "less successful" people can strike back at "more successful" people by victimizing them, so that everyone can suffer a painful sort of victimized equality.

It is a complicated art (but a profitable one, for those willing to put in the time and creative energy to make a career of it). A few of history’s most revered characters were experts in the field:

¨ Karl Marx and his theory of labor. (“Unequal sacrifice, equal suffering” – unless you are high enough up in the Party to receive bribes)

¨ Those pigs in Animal Farm. (All this brain-work makes me hungry. Pass the apples.)

¨ Most liberal politicians of the early 21^st century. (If the “rich” just gave the government a little more, all the victims of the world would be happy, healthy and insured against all losses, tears, and assorted owies.)

The key to success in victimnomics is to be sure that you’re on the right side of each equation. Like any good capitalist, your goal is to get the wealth flowing in your direction, which means that you need to attain the status of economic victimhood as soon as possible.

This process involves four simple steps:

1. Begin to view yourself as a victim.

The world should have treated you better. Your upbringing has held you back. You weren’t born with the privilege and opportunity that others received. That’s why you’re in the intolerable condition you find yourself in today.

Be very careful as you cultivate step one in your life and thinking. If you take any action to remedy your situation, you may cross the victimnomic pity-picket line and become one of “them” (those people that work, take risks, make investments and creatively pursue their own happiness). If you blow it, you’ll lose your victim status and you’ll only have yourself to blame. For this to work, you’ve got to stay on task. You’ve got to stay focused. You have to know what you want, and you have to know who has it.

2. Get people around you to feel bad for you.

You aren’t after sympathy here, although that’s a helpful ally. You don’t so much care if people feel bad for you; you want them to feel bad about themselves. If they start noticing how bad off you are, they might share a bit with you out of old-fashioned guilt. This guilt is crucial if you, the victimized and humble poor, are ever to achieve your dreams.

Once again, exercise caution at this stage. You have to show enough improvement to warrant their continued involvement, but you can’t allow yourself to be lifted above the pity line. Not yet.

3. Start a group to represent your concerns.

Going it alone won’t assure a stress-free future; you’re going to need numbers. Quantify the suffering. The pain. The agony of being you. Slogans can be helpful, as long as they aren’t too cheesy. Testimonials work sometimes, but big numbers (especially millions) work the best. Religious metaphors are powerful, although be careful to stay mainstream. Keep it general, but passionate.

You deserve a lot more than the plight of a beggar, after all. You were born with royal blood. You were born with a bright future. You don’t want to rely on the generosity of friends and family forever. That’s why you need the government’s help. Once the government starts feeling bad about your situation, your victimhood status can be institutionalized. This, friend, is heaven on earth. This is when you can have your cake, eat it too, and get someone else to pay for the weight loss program you’ll need after the party. You might even get an agency named after your type of “problem.”

Let’s start with the basics: If you can convince a politician that there are millions of voters in the same pathetic, sorry state as yourself, you can receive promises for help – promises that will be fulfilled by the taxation of your successful friends. You see, they’re going to work each morning for utterly selfish reasons – they want to make money. They want to buy stuff. They want to live in nice houses. And this, as you are well aware, is unfair.

Taxes are your way of making things fair. You can put the force of the law behind the fulfillment of your needs. It’s a beautiful thing.

Notice the brilliant twist here. First, your successful friends donate to your cause of their own free will (after all, despite their selfish ambition, they do still care, at least a little). Now, you get a double blessing from them, because they’re paying taxes and giving to your charity.

It gets better, though. As taxes on the successful people go up, some of them begin to slip down the victimnomic ladder – swelling the ranks of your victimized group. The more people suffer, the more they become like you. This means you can (with your ever-growing voting bloc), begin to make demands instead of requests. The millions you represent don’t just deserve better, they have a right to something better. After all, this is the United States of America.

4. Become a national spokesperson for your cause.

Few can reach this level of victimnomic success. If, after a long struggle, you can establish yourself as a sort of figurehead for your cause, you’ll be afforded the luxuries of life that most people (even the decently successful ones) are denied. Here you enter the world of caviar and private jets; of classy hotels and multi-million dollar book deals.

From here, the sky is the limit. Your increasing popularity will compel other victims to contribute money directly to you, so that you can “carry their message.” You can be the voice that speaks up for the voiceless, helpless throngs of sorry folk. All you have to do now is stay visible and keep your mouth open.

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Before I began my own study of victimnomics, I didn’t think I had much of chance at success in the field. After all, my upbringing was relatively OK, and though I’m not near “rich,” I’ve got an OK life. My family is basically OK. And I’m in an OK neighborhood. And that’s when it hit me – the very fact that I don’t have any of the classic trappings of victimhood is precisely what makes me a victim.

I don’t have the victimnomic opportunities that others have. The deck is stacked against me. It’s unfair, and I’m tired of not raising my voice. I deserve better. I demand better. After all, this is America.

Comments

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Karl Marx would have been horrified by how his beliefs were twisted. His ideology was not bad. Unfortunately, humans are flawed and the potential abuses were exploited. Kind of like Christianity.

Posted by: Joshua | February 25, 2008 at 02:58 AM